Five ways to spot an English house...

... in Almeria

The rain in Spain...

It doesn’t rain that often in Almeria. Maybe four times a year. Well, maybe a little more than that, but still. But when it does rain, you know about it! Flash floods, people washed out to sea, and the like. Strangely, no one has thought to try and capture any of this torrent to water their gardens, flush the loo or whatever. No one that is except for a couple of expats in Santa Maria de Nieva. Unlike any Spanish house I have ever seen, there a little perfectly painted house in SM de N with hideous, white, plastic gutters. Brilliant.

Woof

Whereas the English expat is likely to have a gnome or two, most houses still owned by Spanish people seem to feature a large cage in the garden containing a rather angry looking dog. No English house has this. Any dog rescued by an expat is allowed in and must be stroked and fussed over.

No flies on me!

About ten years ago most of the farmhouses, or pile of stones pretending to be a farmhouse, round these parts were bought up by sun-seeking English expats. Systematically, a couple of months in, fly-screened areas started popping up attached to the said farmhouses. It normally took about six months in general for a newly-purchased farmhouse to get a fly-free area. Now the expat with the knowledge can enjoy his or her sangria in semi-shade, but with no pesky flies. Meanwhile, José, the ex-farmer, is enjoying his retirement in an air-conditioned flat in town.

Casa Clive

Quite simply, the name gives it away. Whereas in the UK a bungalow proudly named DebBen or Joyron blends beautifully into the urban landscape, here in Almeria Casa Kimberley sticks out like a sunburnt expat. Of course, Linda can get away with it. “Linda” is Spanish for “beautiful” (yes, like “bonita”), so it’s not that strange to see a tiled sign saying “Casa Linda”. Although, putting a sign up calling your house “beautiful” could be seen as a tad showy. Linda can get away with it though.

Stop!

Even if you don’t have a dog, it seems the done thing is to make sure you have a “stop, dangerous dog” sign at the entrance to your property to deter would-be thieves. Yes, even if the savage beast turns out to be Lolita the micro-poodle. Apparently, word has got round that all those potential thieves are scared shitless of the canine horrors waiting for them. Cunning plan.